


Progression

by kira892



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Rule 63, Xenobiology, fem sollux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 07:38:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira892/pseuds/kira892
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You methodically ruin your life in three steps.</p><p>1.	Go to Sollux’s hive to see her<br/>2.	Repeat<br/>3.	Repeat</p><p>Growing up is hard, it's hard and no one understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theresnoreason](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theresnoreason/gifts).



> what a short summary for a work that's 17, 507 words long. but my brain panicked when i tried to compress ALL those words into a short paragraph to pique your interest so I applied the wisdom of the less is more policy.
> 
> This work is inspired solely by this wonderful sketch of fem!sollux
> 
> [Like it, reblog it, and know that karkat would love it](http://reasonartforever.tumblr.com/post/38288751391#notes)
> 
> drawn by [becca-senpai](http://reasonpeason.tumblr.com/), the rightful Queen of Solkat. for srs, two people have told me that i am but I thought about her art and her rp posts and her fics and I just sdfasdggfg no i am not worthy
> 
> so yes, Merry Christmas to her, what a wonderful woman ;O;  
> and to all of you heterosolkateers!

 

The thing about Sollux Captor is, Sollux Captor is a festering chest-wound of a troll whose littlest finger you wind up being totally wrapped around because of several circumstances which all conspired to work together in making you bow at the yellow-blooded bulgemuncher’s feet. Fate or whatever the fuck is responsible for this shit had all the conspiracies against you, all of it.

 

Conspiracies that Kanaya must have been in on and in hindsight, you should have listened to her before you went off charging to Sollux’s hive to meet the mutant freak you antagonize daily over trollian for the first time. But, as you and anyone who knows you are well aware, your past selves all have an unhealthily vibrant streak of doing stupid shit that you end up berating them for via memo.  But anyway, you’re getting a bit off topic here, Sollux Captor, yes.

 

Insert long, wearyx10 facepalm-sigh combo here.

 

How to begin, how to begin, well, you suppose chronological order is the way to go. It all begins when you’re just 6 sweeps old…and up to your horns in pheromones or whatever the fuck else it is responsible for the nastier parts of the priming stage of growth your species all have to go through before nature deems you all worthy enough to go wreak teenage havoc on yourselves and the rest of the world as you go off and try to fill in your quadrants. Sollux is the catalyst to that hideous fucking timebomb, the 6 feet something block of fuckery that gets thrown in and makes the mix go BOOM, leaving the squirming guts of your tattered pride splattered gruesomely on the floor and the walls, but let’s stick to chronological order here.

 

You’ve never really thought about what you could want in a potential matesprit or kismesis, not the way you’d want them to act around you, not even the way they would look. You’ve talked about it to Kanaya once or twice when you were younger and a few more times after you turned 6. That’s the sweep she started obsessing with girls…well, Vriska in particular but even if she hadn’t (to your knowledge) pined after or pursued anyone else it was still as plain as the double moons that she was into femininity, long hair, pretty clothes, painted lips and chest bulbs. Honestly you don’t understand what she found so great about them, especially the last part. They were just sacks of fat on somebody’s chest, evolutionary left overs that didn’t quite die out from the pre-mothergrub era, when trolls produced and nurtured their own young. To you, the only even remotely good quality to them was being a last defence in a fight, extra cushioning that can maybe stop a blade from piercing the blood-pusher.

 

And then you turned 6 and a half and POOF it’s like pupa pan up and decided the time for frolicking in the grass and fiddling with your bulges is over because it was time to stop being wrigglers and actually USE the damn things. and so he sent little fucking fairies shaped like the mothergrub to visit your while you sleep to sprinkle special concupiscent dust on your eyelids. After that you couldn’t stop thinking about it, particularly after you met Terezi the first time. You blame Kanaya, thinking all the talks you’ve had about it had turned you to the path of curves and chest bulbs.

 

You first start taking interest in females because of The Condesce. You’ve been surrounded by her image your whole life but it isn’t until the visit from the mothergrub fairies that you really pay attention to her. Tall, willowy and sleek, all smooth curves on a body that followed the curving, royal streaks of her symbol. She’s the one who piques your interest and the first time you ever stroke your own bulge, you do it in her honor. Your infatuation with her is as fleeting as one light-dark cycle however, because you find yourself taking interest in countless stars in troll cinema afterwards. For a long while, you jump back and forth between preferring girls and boys until the time Gamzee gets so fucking baked you practically force him to stay an entire week with you, long enough for you to lower the sopor consistency in his blood and get him to be a little more sensible.

 

You’d rather not talk about that period of time because seeing as how he ends up being your moirail a few sweeps down the road even thinking about what you’ve gotten up to with him makes your guts churn.

 

But yeah, if it isn’t obvious enough, sopor kind of makes one super friendly and pliant and touchy. And well…you’ll just say that after that you kind of find yourself more attracted toward sharp, tall, flat, masculine bodies.

 

That was a phase that lasted a bit longer than your Condesce phase and you think it might have gone on a bit longer had Terezi not come into the picture.

 

Ah, Terezi. She’s always been small and flat, built for agility but you’d only seen pictures of her up until you turned 5, after which you both figured you already have her face committed to memory without ever having met her and there’s no point in her sending you anymore. Then came the day when her Lusus’ egg showed signs of hatching and she hurriedly ushers you to board a ship and sail across seas to be with her when it does.

 

You’ll probably always remember how she looks the first time you meet her in person. 

 

Stuck between child and teenager, her body was a perfect balance between flat and boyish and soft and girlish. Her hips have gotten wider, tapering up to a narrow waist and narrow chest with a pert bosom.

 

And god. fucking. dammit. You find it attractive as fuck

 

Well, not so much when all you do is sit around her hive, playing video games, arguing, flirting and argue-flirting. After you upgrade to sloppy makeouts and you get your hands on those soft, perfectly sized mounds on her chest then you’re pretty much sold.

 

Terezi is probably a wistful regret you would always have, though you’re happy with how things turn out, you still wouldn’t be able to help occasionally thinking back to the flushed romance you would’ve had with her. She ends up choosing to be Gamzee’s kismesis over you and rather than wreck your relationship with both of them, you force yourself to let her go.

 

Sollux is the poor fuck you go running to with all your troubles “Oh Terezi, ‘she’s perfect for me with all her subtle curves and slightly boyish charms’ Pyrope dumped my prickly, shouty ass, woe is me” and that is where the peak begins to your downhill descent into the realms of fucked-it-tude

 

As one would probably expect given your unironic love for romcoms and trashy Trollequin novels, it’s not just physical attributes that gets a troll’s claws in you, or rather, the physical things are what gets their claws in you but they wouldn’t be able to yank you to their concupiscent quadrants unless there are strictly metaphysical aspects to them that appeal to you as a person and not just an instinct driven thing. It’s probably the main reason why Terezi leaves such a prominent gap right after she wanted out of your freshly opened flushed quadrant. You want someone who can challenge you, stand exactly on your level, antagonise you when you need to calm your shit and shove you up when you need a dash of arrogance to kick you out of self-loathing, aka someone who can blur the lines between kismesis, moirail and matesprit. You’re so convinced you’re quadrant confused until you found Terezi, who decidedly felt more flushed for you than anything and jumped into your red quadrant despite having the quadrant-blurring tendency you liked so much.

 

There, is only one troll you know who has that other than Terezi.

 

Take a wild guess who it is, go on, take a guess.

 

Sollux Captor is your bestfriend for a reason. The yellowblooded asshole is probably the only troll in the universe who is as close to being a copy of you as possible and you’d spent many a night yanking at each other’s fangs over trollian like a couple of un-schoolfed wrigglers. You snark at eachother like you really mean it, to redirect your mutual self-loathing to the other and then sink to your knees and act so pale in your own, prickly ways when one or both of you cross a line and you aren’t sure if it’s just you but somehow you could rarely stop your insults from turning out like badly concealed sexual innuendo. All of this clusterfuck somehow makes you think you’re kind of flushed for the lisping freakazoid…and pale… and black and just…wow, you’d never been more confused in your life. And you kind of like it.

 

And Kanaya knows you kind of like it and you think she kind of tries to warn you before you went off and jumped on the first train you can find to take you across the miles separating you to finally meet your bestfriend/multi-quadrant crush.

 

She’s being vague in that clueless sort of way that she has, like she knew something you didn’t and didn’t know that you didn’t.

 

CG: HONESTLY, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’RE SO INTERESTED IN MY LITTLE TRIP TO FINALLY PUNCH THE LISPING ASSHOLE CONSTANTLY MAKING ME MISERABLE RIGHT IN THE TRAINWRECK, FANG CROWDED MOUTH.

GA: Well, Pardon Me For Intruding, I Understand That It Is Your Business And Not Mine. However, Though It Is A Long Time From Now and Hence You Should Be Entitled To Be As Promiscuous As You’d Like With Your Quadrants, I Must Say…I Thought You Didn’t Want A “Real” Concupiscent Partner Should The Time Arrive. You Know, Considering The Troubles Filling A Pail May Bring You.

CG: HOLD, ON, BACK THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I INTEND TO DRAG SOLLUX KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO MY FLUSHED QUADRANT AND KEEP HIM THERE FOREVER. WHAT THE FUCK KANAYA? HOLD ON, THAT DOESN’T QUITE ENNUNCIATE MY FEELINGS ON THE MATTER, HERE LET ME TRY AGAIN. WHAT. THE GLOBEFONDLING, TAINTCHAFFING FUCK MAN?

GA: If I Recall, You Have Mentioned Having Particular Brands Of Interest For One Sollux Captor. I Also Seem To Recall That Having More Than One Kind Of Interest Is Your “thing”

CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAH. AND YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD BE ALL OVER SOLLUX’S MUTANT BULGES FOR THAT? NO. NOO. NOPE. FUCK THAT TO THE POWER OF NOPE TIMES TEN. I CAN SEE WHERE YOU’RE COMING FROM BUT SERIOUSLY KANAYA, THE FUCK? NO. I WOULD RATHER SMASH MY OWN BONESHEATH AND SCRAPE MY BULGE OFF THAN JUMP INTO ANY QUADRANT WITH THAT DOUCHEFUCK, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE LESS TROUBLESOME AND PAINFUL BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT, IF YOU EVER FORCED ME AND HIM INTO ANY QUADRANT, IT’LL BE A FUCKING MASSACRE.

GA: Him?

CG: YES HIM. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOLLUX RIGHT? WAS THERE SOME SORT OF GLITCH THAT TOOK OUT A CHUNK OF CONVERSATION I HADN’T NOTICED?

GA: No. Hmm. Interesting.

CG: WHAT’S INTERESTING?

GA: Oh. Nothing, In Hindsight It Probably Shouldn’t Surprise Me. Can I Just Ask, Do you Know Or Even Have Any Idea What Sollux Looks Like?

CG: I KNOW HE’S AN ATROCIUS MUTANT FREAK WHO PROBABLY HAS TWO OF EVERYTHING BUT NO, I DON’T KNOW THE EXTENT OF HIS HIDEOUSNESS. THANK GOD.

GA: I See

 

It didn’t make any sense to you but you choose to ignore it. Besides, it all became so perfectly clear to you anyway it practically fucking blinds you.

 

The asshole forgets to pick you up from the station, which you expected. You even told him so on trollian the day before you were supposed to leave. You were trying to force him to get his ass into his recuperacoon so that he won’t sleep in and totally leave you stranded at the station like the assface that he is. Of course he didn’t listen. Thankfully you have the insight of a fucking god when it comes to your so-called bestfriend’s incompetence and have thought to ask him for his address and how to get there before hand. You wait about two hours before realizing you were so right and leaving to break down his door and rub the fact in his face with a friendly punch. You make your way to his apartment complex, locate room 612 and in the middle of you trying to dent it with the side of your fist, it swings open to reveal a troll that could not, should not and just absolutely could not _possibly_ be Sollux Captor.

 

The troll that comes to get the door towers over you by almost an entire foot, standing on slender, shapely legs wrapped in mismatched tights and booty shorts. Under a shirt that’s probably two sizes too big, you get hints of a wiry, narrow waist which holds the weight of a small but still recognizably _rounded_ chest, sharp, bony shoulders, gangly arms and a long, delicate neck which cushions a narrow face, all huge eyes, slender brows and delicate bones. Right above the long-ish messy nest of black hair pokes out 4 horns, a pair each on the sides of her head. You stare at them in dawning horror, as mismatched eyes regard you groggily behind lopsided lenses. They squint at you as one sleeve of the oversized shirt slides off one shoulder. A delicately thin hand yanks it back whilst the other reaches up to smear already ruined lipstick over a face that’s still weirdly attractive regardless of the mess.

 

“Oh. Shit. Hi KK.”

 

You really ought to be given a medal for how well you keep your shit together considering you just had the grandest internal shit fit of your life.

 

Because not only is your bestfriend/concillia-piscent crush thingie a girl, ~~she’s hot, oh my fucking mothergrub how the hell is she hot?~~ kind of really attractive.

 

Kanaya should have a shiny-ass gold medal deposited within the sun-drenched crevices of her thread hungry hands too because wow, now you know what she was fussing about, like she predicted exactly how hard it was going to be on you living with Sollux for three days and trying desperately not to stare at the strip of skin that shows up above the waistband of her ridiculously short shorts whenever she stretches or not to lean over and take a good, creepy Terezi-style whiff of her hair every time she shakes it out of her face AND not to gawp everytime her too-big shirt sags off one shoulder ESPECIALLY when she’s all hunched in on herself on the couch while you play videogames.

 

 She loves sitting like that and it’s gotten to the point where you wonder if she was doing it on purpose because having them bent up against her chest displays too well just how long they are and whenever she sits like that, all curled up in herself into a tiny ball, when the shirt sags, the neckline falls dangerously close to her chest. You have never been so focused on cleavage in your life, not just any cleavage goddammit. Because when the shirt sags, there was no and never was a strap on it, meaning that Sollux Captor, did. not. wear. a. fucking. bra. granted, she wouldn’t really need one because her shirt is thick enough and her chest is small enough to not make anyone who doesn’t know better even notice but still. YOU know better.

 

It’s the most embarrassing three days of your life even if you don’t do anything to warrant a quick and painless death by jumping out of Sollux’s window. Because the thoughts that all but consumes you in her presence makes you want to jump out face first out the window regardless.

 

Thankfully, you make it back to your own hive before those thoughts can escalate to anything else and once you do, you think you’re home free, you think everything would go away once there were miles and perigrees between the two of you. So your bestfriend turns out to be an amalgamation of every crush you’ve had in your life: tall, pretty and just the right mix between girly and boyish. No big deal, not like you’d see her again anytime soon, you’re young and horny, it’d go away after a while.

 

Except it doesn’t.

 

What really happens is you waste more and more hours of your life with Sollux online; talking and fighting and unknowingly getting closer and closer every day. You stay awake with her on voice call when she has her depressed episodes, bugging her every 2 minutes to speak to you so you’d know she was okay and she falls asleep while listening to your nagging. She makes it out like she’s irritated by your constant fussing but everytime your wriggling day comes around, slightly expensive shit you’ve been meaning to get ends up delivered to your door with her messy handwriting scrawled across the box. She gets a swollen wrist from coding all night and chatting with you all day and you buy yourself a webcam so she won’t have to type and so you can see for yourself how she’s doing.

 

You video chat more and more often until you stop using IMs all together and you’d be horrified of that if you’re not so busy staring at her face everytime it pops up on your screen. It doesn’t take you long at all to memorize the curve of her brows and the shade of her lipstick. You thank the honking gods, whether or not they exist, that Sollux doesn’t grow out of her oversized shirts and you secretly stare at the fragile arches of her collarbones when she’s not paying attention. You figure you should stop and you make a valiant effort to when her face starts showing up in your dreams and her body appears under your dream fingers, your dream lips. Then you wake up and twinArmaggedons is trying to start a video call with carcinoGeneticist again and you realize you’re not going to.

 

You watch her grow up through your screen and foolishly feel hurt when she jabs at how you seem to be growing more sideways than anything. You call her ugly and gender confused , poking fun at her height and her slender frame whilst shrivelling up on the inside because she’s gotten even prettier, too pretty for you. She gets curvier and despite the longer fangs, she still insists on wearing the black lipstick. Most nights of your 7th sweep you spend wondering how it would taste.

 

Then she starts dating Aradia and you want to hit yourself for being such a weak ball of feelings, aching physically in your gut and your chest when you find out about them filling their first pails with each other.

 

CG:  HONESTLY, HOW DID SHE NOT SPEW BILE FROM EVERY ORIFICE AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR GROSS, MUTANT BULGES?

TA:  iif ii told you once, ii told you a thou2and tiime2. 2top fanta2iizing about my junk kk iit2 creepy and gro22. be2ide2 don’t be hatiing on AA ju2t becau2e 2he got me to the pail, awe2omely iif ii miight add. Not that iit2 any of your buii2ness but AA diid nothiing but appreciiate my leg2 around her waii2t and there wa2 no biile 2pewed from anyone2 maw.

 

It’s almost funny how she doesn’t know how right she is, about the first part you mean. After that particular conversation it gets worse and you spend a miserable amount of time feeling guilty and constantly dreaming about her legs around your waist. In your head you’re more than willing to let her go, you don’t know that much about Aradia but judging from what you do know, she seems like a really good troll and she’s probably great for Sollux but…every other fibre of you has separation anxiety over something you never even had in the first place. Honestly what was Kanaya so worried about? Sure you got it and you got it bad but it’s so onesided its ridiculous, no one’s going to get hurt…except you. Sure no matesprit quals no bucket equals no one finding out your blood color but no matesprit is also making you really miserable, in the juvenile ‘I think this is the matesprit and not having her in my quadrant is driving me nuts” kind of way.

 

Then Aradia dies.

 

It’s a bad time for all, the revenge cycle ends with Vriska dismembered, Terezi blind, Tavros paralyzed and Sollux catatonic. She wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even you and it takes you a week of no word from her, not the slightest clue as to where she is or whether or not she’s even still alive for you to jump on a train with only some money, one set of spare clothes and your phone.

 

It takes you about an entire day to clean up, salvage food that hasn’t rotted yet and force it down Sollux’s throat. She doesn’t fight you through it, nor does she speak or even look at you. She seems dazed, blank, like she’s looking straight through everything. Past the initial yelling you did because you couldn’t help it, you don’t talk to her either. Because really, what can you say?

 

It’s not her fault? She knows that.

 

Aradia wouldn’t blame her? She knows that too.

 

Aradia would be sad if she stayed like this?

 

Why the fuck does it matter? she’s fucking dead, nothing is going to bring her back and none of those words can make Sollux hurt any less.

 

You force feed her some more, till you’re satisfied she isn’t hanging above the edge of starvation with her nails then you clean her up as best as you can, leaving her in the ablution block, in the tub under a spray of hot water to wash off the grime and sopor from her clothes. She barely even bats an eyelash and still doesn’t when you come back to turn off the shower and wrap her up in the biggest blanket you can find.  Then you settle her next to you on the couch and you sit, blanketed by a silence so thick you could choke on it.

 

“Do you want to talk?”

 

The silence going on for about 15 more minutes is your only answer. You expected it but you had to try. You wrap her up again and you carry her back into her respite block. It scares you how light she is. Sollux crawls up and into one side of her double tube recuperacoon and you think about slipping in to the other one in case she wakes up in the middle of the day with nightmares but you decide against it and park your tired ass back on the couch.

 

You wake up to bright sunlight slipping through the tiny cracks in between the blinds and a weight on your chest. Sopor threatens to suffocate you when you try to look down and you sigh, readjusting yourself inch by inch so that you don’t wake her and you tuck her up between you and the back of the couch. You watch her face as she sleeps, waiting for her to wake up screaming or to silently open her eyes and stare right through you again. You endure the discomfort of almost falling off the couch until you actually do then you get up and lift her head so you can sit down and settle it on your lap.

 

You don’t realize you’d fallen asleep until you wake up to the sound of her hoarse screaming. You’re just as frantic as she is when you try to calm her down but you give yourself a mental slap and you pull your shit together because she needs you. You grab her wrists and you shush her, pressing your forehead to hers with only the fragile hope that she won’t shoot your head off with her psionics. You kiss her eyelids, sealing them over her crackling eyes. They sting your lips but you ignore it.

 

“Shhh. Shhh, it’s okay.” you murmur, spreading your fingers out over the curve of her skull, just behind her horns.

 

“No it’s not.” She whispers gruffly, almost angry.

 

“…I know. Sorry.”

 

Sollux whimpers, chokes down some tears and then she wails, clutching onto you so hard it hurts. You let her and you shift your arms so you can clutch her back. You hide kisses in her hair, whispering sorry over and over again. You fall asleep soaking her hair with your own tears. Come evening you wake with Sollux curled up in your lap like a wriggler. Since she’s so tall, she had to move down in order to fit under your chin. She lay partially on your lap, with her face wedged firmly in the hollow between your chest and your chin, legs curled up defensively halfway to her chest. You let her stay there.

 

The following day she announces she’s going to go and kill Vriska and you fight her without holding back because it was better that you hurt her yourself than let her go off and potentially get herself killed. The two of you wreck half of her hive and you end up with a busted eyebrow and a split lip. Possibly a few cracked ribs.

 

“You’re not fucking going! You are staying right the fuck here!” you roar, pinning her to the floor with your full weight.

 

Sollux’s hands and eyes cackle dangerously at you. “Like fuck I am. FUCK OFF KK! LET ME GO!”

 

“NOT UNTIL YOU STOP BEING A PAN-ROTTED MORON. You’re going to start another revenge cycle and get more people killed! YOURSELF INCLUDED!”

 

“Not if I kill her first.” She hisses vehemently.

 

“You’d have to kill _me_ first” you say.

 

“I would if you don’t get the fuck off me right now.”

 

You narrow your eyes at her and your blood pusher jolts as you consider what you’re about to do. You lean back and let her go, spreading your arms wide, leaving all your vital spots wide and defenseless.

 

“Okay. Do it. Kill me.” You challenge her, pitting the two of you in what has got to be the most lethal game of cluck-beast in the universe.

 

Sollux freezes like you just slapped her and you watch emotions rapidly flicker over her face; shock, confusion, grief and then anger. She roars and with a bright flash of red and blue, you fly back and you hit the wall. Then there’s Sollux, floating and crackling with psionics. She looks down at you and then her face crumples like she’s in pain and she practically falls to the floor.

 

“Fuck you…fuck you…just FUCK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

 

She screams at you so loud her voice cracks twice and you’re confused for a second before it slowly, agonizingly dawns on you. You’re probably the first troll she’s spoken to in months, one of the only friends she has left, not just a friend, you’re supposed to be her _bestfriend_ …and you just seriously dared her to kill you. After she was forced to kill her matesprit.

 

“Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m sorry.”

 

Sollux covers her face with her hands and her shoulders shake. You feel like a prime cut of grade A asshole meat as you crawl over to her. She hisses and tries to fight you off when you pull her to your chest but she gives in when you groan, having been hit in one of your maybe broken ribs. She says she hates you and that you’re the worst kind of troll, you apologize until her hatred turns to fear.

 

“What the fuck do you think I would do without you, you stupid fuck?”

 

Your chest aches and you don’t know if it’s because you hate yourself so much for what you just did or if you’re happy you seem almost as important to her as she is to you.

 

She stays with you in your hive for the next couple of months as she gets her hive rebuilt. It’s a long, painful battle to get her back to normal. You’re forced to watch her ever so slowly cope with the anger and the grief and you fight to get her to let them go. You watch her hurt and you feel so pale for her you can’t stand it. You watch her long for Aradia and you want to fill in that gap for her so much it kills you on the inside. The conflict makes you so unstable you don’t know what to do with yourself, and that’s when Gamzee steps into the picture and becomes your moirail.

 

You wake up in the middle of the day to the sound of your phone ringing like there’s no tomorrow and when you answer it, Tavros’ voice stutters all over your ear. You yell at him to get him to make sense and when he does you bolt out of your hive without even saying goodbye to Sollux or Crabdad. Apparently, Gamzee tried to stop eating sopor pies altogether because you and Tavros have both expressed your worry over him eating too much…then he went into a psychotic rage and killed some homeless lowbloods loitering around the beach. You shoosh pap his shit into silence and with Tavros’ help shovel pies down his chute til he calms down. He was lucky Gamzee had an unrequited flush crush on him otherwise he’d have been dead too. You stay with them both for a little while longer, tell Tavros to get the fuck back out to his own hive asap, declare yourself Gamzee’s official moirail and call it a day. With a psychotic dual personality involved, you don’t hesitate to give your full commitment to the moiralleigance, because evidently you need to keep Gamzee in line more than Sollux, whom you find waiting back for you in your hive that evening looking like she was about to start knocking down walls.

 

She looks anxious as hell and when you tell her what happened she looks like she would have a panic attack. Her jaw clenches so tight you think it might snap and she looks so rigid her bones could rip through her skin. It absolutely shatters your bloodpusher because fuck she needs you so much, you’re the only thing she has left but you’re not the only thing that can fix everything. And now that you’re officially someone else’s moirail, your feelings are tipped for her so much that you’re practically nothing but flushed for her and fuck does it hurt.

 

Eventually her hive gets rebuilt and she goes back to it mostly okay. She’s still goes into bouts where she just goes silent and gets this look on her face that makes you want to hug her and kiss her until she stops making it but other than that and a general tired, defeated air about her, she’s mostly back to normal.

 

You hope desperately that getting time and distance would help you get over it but sadly, life hates you and things actually turn out worse than ever. You end up missing her so bad and you worry about her every second that Gamzee has to practically force you to sleep. You don’t ever recover but slowly, painfully, you adapt the longing as part of your life, until it fades from a gaping cut to a dull ache. It helps when she does the same with her plight, learning to bury it as opposed to futilely waiting for it to stop or trying to force it away.

 

She puts herself back together somehow. She does a pretty good job, or maybe she just gets good at hiding the cracks from you.

 

She looks and sounds healthier than you’ve seen her in what feels like millenia when you two go back to your regularly scheduled video calls and somehow someway, your worrying comes to a stop. Because the snarky bulgelick you met as a kid seems to have fully returned. You even hurt a little less because seeing her almost happy makes you almost happy too. Almost. Everything seems to revert back to the way it was when Sollux bounces back from depression and that includes you. You go back to wanting her like nothing else and almost obsessing over every little thing which is a very bad thing because after going to hell and back with her, this isn’t just a flush crush anymore.

 

Having to be her crutch when she lost a limb has secured a place for her in your life that you can never take back. It’s hers now, a part of you is irrevocably hers and the only way you’d feel whole again is if she agrees to be yours.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

You methodically ruin your life in three steps.

 

1.    Go to Sollux’s hive to see her

2.   Repeat

3.   Repeat

 

Her wriggling day is before twelth perigree’s eve. She always used to celebrate it the day after so that it’d be a two in one celebration. You used to think it was only because of her stupid duality thing. The sweep the two of you turn 9, she invites you to go over to her hive. You agree without much fuss because she tells you that Feferi and Terezi are invited too. Not being alone with her is a perk you definitely appreciate because it balances out the overwhelming cons there are to going to see her in person.

 

Right?

 

Wrong.

 

The bridge you’ve begun to build so you can get over her (hah. Puns) crumbles to dust practically the moment you see her again and if that isn’t bad enough, the extra company you were promised is somehow not there when you get there on 12th pergiree’s eve. Apparently Terezi and Feferi had both arrived the day before, during Sollux’s actual wriggling day and had to leave before you could get there since Feferi could only leave her hive for so long before The Condesce manages to make an attempt on her life. Again. And since Terezi got to Sollux’s by hitching a ride with her, she had to leave with her too.

 

No big deal, you think to yourself calmly. You’ve had to share her living space with her when you were 6 and in the throes of puberty, you can totally deal with it now that you’re older and less

likely to jump her. Even if just a little.

 

It goes okay at first, more than okay, it’s actually pretty nice. You argue and you tease each other like you’re 6 again. She owns you mercilessly in every game she owns and you hunt down the finest bits of troll cinema you can stream on the internet and force her to watch them with you. She complains the entire time. You ignore her haughtily and attempt to schoolfeed her on what constitutes as good movie taste.

 

She gives in to sleep at around sunset, you conk out earlier than her but you wake up when her head falls on your shoulder and you carry her to her respite block. It’s so sadly nostalgic but you shake the feeling off, focusing instead on how glad you are that she doesn’t feel skeletal light in your arms and that you know that there isn’t an endless nightmare playing on loop in her head.

 

You head back out to the couch to prep it with as many pillows as you can to help you sleep without sopor and when you’re satisfied with the mini pile you’ve created, you head out to the ablution block to change into your sleep wear and brush your teeth.

 

You open the door and walk in on a mostly naked Sollux.

 

She jumps in surprise, shirt tangled around her arms and she squint-glares at you. You try not to let your eyes bug out of your head as you take in the acres of pale gray skin stretched taught over slender limbs and sharp joints, interrupted only be the measly bit of underwear covering her groin. 

 

“Dude. The fuck? I’m changing” Sollux murmurs sleepily, making a half ass attempt at covering her bare chest. You congratulate yourself for managing to hear her when you’re having a mini mental breakdown. It’s just like the first time you ever saw her only worse. God it is so much worse. Because ~~Sollux is hot~~ , oh fuck it. Holy fucking mothergrub she is hot and you love her and she is gorgeously hot. so motherfucking gorgeous-hot and the universe must hate you so fucking much for dangling her right the fuck in front of your cartilage nub like this and and…oh shit you’re staring at her. NO. bad Karkat, stop. You need to freak out. like. NOW.

 

“Argh! Oh fuck why the fuck did I have to see that!” You screech dramatically, covering your eyes and actively pretending you walked in on Gamzee pailing Tavros instead. “Gross!”

 

“Serves you right, now gtfo!” Sollux grumbles, shoving you out.

 

Though it only lasted for two seconds, the memory of her mostly devoid of clothing sticks to your thinkpan like honey to one of Sollux’s bees and you hate yourself so much for digging yourself deeper and deeper. When you go back to your hive you catch yourself willingly thinking about the curves of her back and wondering how sharp the bumps of her spine would feel against your tongue. You think about her legs when you’re in the shower and dig up your old fantasies about having them locked tightly around your waist while you twist your own fingers in your nook.

 

When you video call you see her shoulders and your mind automatically forces the image of how narrow they are compared to her hips behind your eyelids everytime you blink. It’s a bit easier to think more innocent thoughts when you’re taunting each other like the immature fuckwits you still are. However you think that furtively fantasizing about how good it would be to wrap your thick hands around her fragile hipbones while sharing flushed, post-pailing cuddles is just as bad as thinking about gripping those hips tight and slamming them against yours. Because no matter what shade you’re choosing to think of her in, this is still your BESTFRIEND, who does not return your feelings. You might have had a shot with her before but you’re pretty sure all the pale and flushed feelings she could possibly feel for anyone else all went out to Aradia. And they all died with her.

 

Fuck, you hate yourself so fucking much. Why can’t you ever be satisfied with anything? You can’t and don’t even want in on any of her caliginous quadrants anymore not just because you’re pretty sure you feel more flushed for her than black and if you end up getting trapped in black-rom with her you won’t just be barrelling down the road to pain and depression but because it won’t be enough. You want all or nothing, so that you won’t have to share her with anyone else, no matter how stupid and selfish that sounds.

 

She invites you over for your wriggling day and when you ask her why she couldn’t just get off her scrawny ass and visit you in your hive where you can invite Kanaya, Terezi, maybe Eridan and Gamzee, she says it’s because she wasted all her money on buying you presents. (which you highly doubt) Why couldn’t she visit you in your safety fort where it’d be 1000% and then some easy to resist the two options you’re constantly torn between when you’re in her presence: Find the nearest drone and slash your wrist so you can get yourself culled on the spot and tackling Sollux to the floor thereby ruining everything forever.

 

You try to refuse of course but the little shit throws a fit. For real, she actually throws a full-blown fucking tantrum right on video call, throwing stuff with her psionics, and jumping in her chair, yelling at you to “thtop being a little bitch and come vithit me for your FUCKING wriggling day”

 

You guess it’s safe to assume she’s in another one of her manic swings, moodwise.

 

So against your better judgement, you pack your stuff, apologize to crabdad for leaving on your wriggling day, leave him a metric fuck ton of food to make up for it and get your ass over to Sollux’s hive.

 

As it turns out, she wasn’t lying about blowing her money on gifts for you. She gets you a box set of all of Troll Will Smith’s greatest movies and several others of your favorite movies and book series. She also gets you a new husktop and a new pair of sickles. You hug her around the waist and pick her up to crush her to your chest and you say “Fuck you.” Because how the fuck does she expect you to get over her? Honestly.

 

Sollux just rolls her eyes but you hear the fond little smirk in her voice when she talks.

 

“You’re welcome you insufferable little fuckbucket.”

 

The two of you waste the night of your wriggling day watching the movies Sollux got you, which automatically makes her regret buying them for you in the first place. You try to shove popcorn in her face and shoosh her as you rewatch troll Adam Sandler kiss Troll Drew Barrymore in the rain for the millionth time. Then she gives you a royal asskicking over her grubstations as per tradition and when daylight breaks, you shut the curtains and bust out the intoxicants.

 

You’re not sure how drunk you get, kind of drunk you guess. Because when Sollux puts down the bottle (she stopped using her glass somewhere around the third bottle you consume) to pull out a cigarette out of nowhere and light it up with the lighter you got her for 12th perigrees eve sometime before. You get the urge to kiss her so bad you can practically feel yourself automatically leaning toward her. Then again, you’re pretty sure you’d do that too when you’re stone cold sober so you guess you’re not that drunk.

 

Then Sollux takes a long drag and opens her mouth, letting the smoke crawl out over her lips in mesmerizing, curling trails and you feel jealous because you want to caress her lips with yours the way the smoke was doing.

 

Okay, maybe you are a bit drunk. Just a bit.

 

You’re sitting on her couch, the same one where you held her all day when she was lying on the broken shards of herself Vriska left behind and couldn’t muster the will to get up. You’re slumped, half on your back with your legs stretched out in front of you, heels to the floor. Sollux is sitting adjacent to you with her stupidly long legs tucked up awkwardly against her. They’re so stupid and long they practically cover her when she bends them up like that. So stupid. Why is she even all cramped up all the way over there like she doesn’t want to touch you or something? It’s your wriggling day! And so with that train of thought you reach over and grab her ankle, hauling one leg over to rest on your lap. You run your fingers through the smooth fabric of her blue-red tights, marvelling at the texture of it.

 

Okay maybe you’re definitely drunk.

 

“You’ve worn these since we were 6 how the hell do they even still fit you?”

 

Sollux blows out another cloud of smoke and shrugs. “They stretch, these are the only new ones I’ve had in a while. I just outgrew the old ones a while ago.”

 

“They’re pretty.”

 

Okay what the fuck you’re really drunk.

 

You look over to Sollux to see her staring at you with this weird, unreadable look on her face. Her pretty face, even prettier than the tights.

 

“Where’d you even get them?” you ask.

 

“Kanaya makes them for me. She also makes me dresses and little skirts because she thinks they’d look good on me or something. Ew.”

 

“The hell do you mean “Ew”?” You ask, smacking her shin drunkenly. Some small part of you thinks maybe you should shut the hell up right now but you blissfuly ignore it.

 

“The hell do you mean the hell do I mean “ew”?” Sollux asks back.

 

You wave your hand in a vague gesture even you’re not sure is supposed to mean and you rest your hand on her knee, kind of accidentally because you’re drunk but not really, inching your fingers just a bit up to the inside of her lower thigh.

 

“You _would_ look good in a dress. And fuuck, you’d look great in a skirt.” You say, thinking about how her legs would look devoid of the tights and gloriously bare under a tiny little skirt. It won’t hinder her in any way since she’s a long distance fighter and her fucking legs would look so fucking good in them. It’ll probably make her hips look even smaller and did you mention her legs already? You don’t care, you’ll mention them again because if there are any legs who deserve fucking odes written in their honor, its Sollux Captor’s.

 

Sollux raises an eyebrow, intrigued and several red flags go up in the back of your head.

Oh dear god, **shut up Karkat**.

 

“Really? You think I would look great in a skirt?” Sollux asks, moving her other leg to join its twin over your lap. There’s a brief moment where your fingers get caught between her thighs, you feel a jolt of heat deep between yours and you think _oh fuck_.

 

“Uhh…sure, but then again I’m fucking drunk so,” You say with a small helpless shrug, mentally giving yourself a thousand pats to the back.

 

Sollux just stares at you and even when half of your brain is busted with intoxicants you can decipher the barest flicker of…is that disappointment on her face? Or are you just extremely super drunk?

 

And then your poor, slow brain practically implodes because then Sollux takes her legs off your lap and replaces it with…well, everything else.

 

“Would you say that if you weren’t drunk?” she asks as casually as if she was inquiring about the weather, knees braced against the cushions on either side of your legs. Her chest is almost level with your face and oh my god, she needs to get away like, now now now now.

 

“Uhhhrhh…I don’t know. What are you doing?”

 

Sollux then fucking sits on your lap. “I don’t know, I’m fucking drunk so,” she says, mimicking you exactly as you were just a few seconds ago. You gulp as that jolt of heat shoots through your groin again. Sollux gently grabs a handful of your shirt, right above your navel and you swear you feel your bulge swell under the sheath.

 

Fuck shit fuck are you really about to pop a boner with the object of your unrequited, painfully flushed affections on your lap?

 

Yes, you are.

 

“Can you like, get off please?”

 

“Why?” Sollux asks.

 

“Because your bony ass is crushing me!”

 

 

“That doesn’t even make sense KK.” Sollux points out.

 

And its true, she’s taller than you but you must outweigh her three times over. You’re thick, built like a tree and she’s spindly and fragile, she should weigh like a sheet of paper to you.

 

“I’m the one getting crushed under you, I get to decide whether or not it makes sense!”

 

Sollux frowns and kneels, throwing one leg over you. You’re relieved to finally have her off you but it’s horribly short lived because Sollux turns sideways and parks her bony ass right between your hips. Your initial reaction is horror but you are a mere troll, a mere sexually and emotionally frustrated troll who has the only thing he craves on his fucking lap. You are also still drunk no matter how much your amazing will power to not fuck things up has led you to the path to safety so far. When you move to push her off, your fingers end up wrapping themselves around her thin waist instead. Shit this is bad. You push your thumbs at the thin layer of fat cushioning her stomach. “Get off asswipe.” You dig your fingers in her sides, where you know she’s susceptible to tickles. Sollux squawks, writhes on your lap and you unceremoniously toss her off before running off to the closest ablution block and shutting yourself there for the rest of the day.

 

You wake up the following evening feeling like there’s a miniature version of her lusus trapped in your head, wrecking down the walls of your think pan and demanding mind honey freshly squeezed out from the ripe fibers of your pain. Sollux does too if the way she keeps squinting at everything and grimacing whenever she or something in her field of vision moves too fast is anything to go by. You decide to act like nothing even relatively strange like you drunk hitting on her happened yesterday and it works. She doesn’t bring it up and neither do you. You return to your own hive feeling simultaneously proud and miserable.

 

Then Biclops dad dies. She doesn’t get all that upset about it. She’s old enough not to need a lusus anymore and besides, she’s mostly been taking care of him without getting anything whatsoever in return the last few sweeps before he dies anyway. She invites you to bury him with her and you should have said no

 

You really should have said no.

 

But you don’t. You stupid fuckass.

 

Not only that, when she tells you that you guys should drink intoxicants laced with only the slightest bits of sopor, you agree.

 

What the _shitting fuck_ is wrong with you?

 

Well okay, to be fair you hadn’t intended to drink a lot, like one glass maybe and you swear that you won’t drink a single drop after that and you actually keep that promise to yourself, good boy. However, you totally underestimate the amount of fuckery sopor gets up to with your thinkpan and even with how little you consume, you feel as drunk as you are the last time you were with Sollux and being drunk makes you totally stupid and so you drink more, you lay off the sopor but you chug down so much because Sollux challenges you to some stupid fucking game that doesn’t make any sense and only serves to get the participants raving shitfaced drunk.

 

Everything kind of blurs after that and the next thing you remember Sollux is crying and you’re hugging her because seeing her cry makes you want to cry. She curls up against your chest, so vulnerable and broken it makes your chest absolutely wrench with pity. Then she laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries again like her moodswings are all being compressed within the span of minutes as opposed to days and she’s suck a wreck and …you wonder if she’s ever let anyone after Aradia, if she’s ever let anyone else in her life other than Aradia and well…you, see her like this.

 

And then you start crying because you’re such a pathetic sack of shit and you just want her so much that when she says nothing and simply wipes at your freak pink tears with the palm of her hand, you kiss her fingers.

 

Sollux pauses and tilts her head at you like an innocent bark beast. You grab her hand and kiss her knuckles. Her other hand finds the curve of your cheek and you peer up at her through hooded eyes, still continuing to press soft, slow kisses to the back of her hand, up her fingers.

 

Sollux’s lips fall open the slightest bit, they tempt you to kiss them so much you can practically feel them tugging you closer. No, wait, that’s just Sollux. She takes her hand away from you and puts it on the back of your head. Then she’s yanking your face to hers and you gasp when your mouth collides with hers. You kiss her like it’s the last thing you’ll do. You grab her back, one hand coming up to curl around the back of her neck and the other skimming around her waist til you can lock an arm around her and haul her closer. She collides with you ungracefully and for a moment, there’s limbs everywhere until instinct tells you to lie on your back. Sollux crawls on top of you and somehow you don’t like it, so you flip yourselves over. Thank fuck you settled yourselves on the floor before you got drunk. You wish you weren’t so drunk though, that you can’t remember anything more than the fact that her skin tastes stale but with an undertone of honey. You remember kissing her, you remember kissing her a lot, on her mouth, her neck. You might have kissed her somewhere else but there’s too much clothes in the way and you were too smashed to get them out of the way.

 

You also remember slipping your hands under her shirt, in the morning you wouldn’t see it, you wouldn’t even remember it but you leave a smear of her lipstick on one side of her shirt. You wouldn’t remember you’ve managed to finally taste it on your lips after all these sweeps.

 

You would remember a lot of hasty fumbling, her voice, husky and slurred whispering “let me” as a thin hand slides down your stomach and gets stopped by your bigger, rougher one before it could slip under your jeans. You wouldn’t remember if it gets past you because you were too drunk and too horny to listen to that last shred of sense fighting desperately to be head somewhere in the back of your thinkpan.

 

You wouldn’t be sure if you remember having her hands clutching your hair and her legs hooked over your shoulders and feeling musky, damp heat against your mouth through a layer of fabric but you wake up in the evening, your pants are undone and…messy, your shirt isn’t on you, draped instead across Sollux’s waist. You’re pretty sure there’s nothing else under there. No, you _are_ sure because her shorts are lying on the floor a good 5 feet away and her tights are bunched up near her ankles.

 

You take this all in under the dim lighting of the newly risen double moons, put your head in your hands and try not to wish yourself dead.

 

You have the decency to move her on her couch, stuff some pillows under her head and drape a blanket over her but you don’t have the decency to stay until she wakes up and suffer in lethal awkwardness with her before dealing with this like a mature troll. Nope, you change into some clean clothes, grab your bags and you hightail it the fuck out of her hive.

 

You proceed to ignore her for the next however long. She tries to contact you a few times before you set your status on trollian permanently to invisible. Of course, she’s too smart for that and she messages you for the first time since you were 6

 

TA:  ii know you’re here nooksucker

 

You wince, did she really have to call you _that_?

 

TA:  you fuckiing a22hole talk two me

TA:  hello? alternia two kk no wriigler wiith a fully developed thiinkpan would buy thii2 dii2appeariIng bullshiit. none of them would fiind iit even sliightly amu2iing either. Becau2e eviidently, theyre more mature than you

TA:  YOU MOTHERFUCKER TALK TWO ME.

 

You put your face in your hands and you rub them over your skin tiredly before peeking through the gap between your fingers.

 

TA:  fiine. fuckiing fiine, ii’ll just go driink some miind honey and throw the mo2t viiolent fiit ever. not liike ii have a lu2u2 to 2top me. and my 2o called be2tfriiend/2tand iin lu2u2 ii2 off somewhere wiith hii2 bulge shriiveliing up between hii2 leg2 becau2e he can’t handle a liitle drunk fumbling wiith me. i hope he enjoy2 hii2 pathetiic exi2tence alone. iif you hear about ma22 de2tructiion iin the new2 that2 probably me. 2ayonara you mii2erable liitle 2hiit.

 

You heave a sigh. She is so clueless it would be funny if it doesn’t hurt like a sledge hammer to the bone bulge and a blade through the chest.

 

CG:  WOULD YOU CALM YOUR NON-EXISTENT TITS FOR JUST A BULGEFUCKING FRACTION OF A MINUTE? YOU’RE RIDICULOUS, I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR A BIT AND YOU FLIP TEN THOUSAND SHITS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF.

TA:  wow, two what do ii owe the di2honor of haviing you talk two me?

TA:  and by the way you left me alone for way longer than “a biit” you 2tupid a22wiipe. 336 fuckiing hour2 to be precii2e. and excu2e you? non-exii2tent? con2iidering you’re the most recent per2on to fondle them you of anyone would know ju2t how “non-exii2tent” my boob2 are.

 

CG:  OKAY, FUCK, STOP! SORRY OKAY?

TA:  oh would you look at that HE2 2ORRY! WOW, II 2HALL FORGIIVE HIIM AND THEN WE’D BE BULGEBUMPIING PUPA PAL2 AGAIIN.

TA:  NO! FUCK YOUR 2ORRY.

 

You hit your head against the desk once. You suppose you deserve this but still, what you’d give to be able to just hurl your husk top out the window without caring about the consequences. You fight with her for about 15 more minutes and you come dangerously close to flipping your own shit but you don’t, you keep it together because despite evidence that points to the contrary, you actually don’t want to lose her friendship.

 

CG:  I’LL KEEP SAYING IT ANYWAY. SORRY. I GUESS, I JUST FREAKED OUT.

CG:  I WOULD EMBLAZON A FORMAL APOLOGY ON MY ARM, DISMEMBER IT AND SEND IT TO YOU AS PROOF OF MY REMORSE BUT SADLY, I NEED IT TO KEEP TYPING RIGHT NOW. I ACTUALLY AM SORRY.

 

Sollux doesn’t answer for a while and you get so fidgety you almost fall of your chair when you see her type up a new message.

 

TA:  kk we were drunk, biig deal, iit diidn’t mean anythiiing 2o there’2 no rea2on to fliip your 2hiit.

 

 _And that right there is why I’ve avoided you for so long. Because even knowing you’d say that makes me want to stab my own eyes out with my sickles. It’d probably hurt less._ You think to yourself as your throat clenches and your eyes sting.

CG:  YEAH. I REALIZED THAT. SORRY AGAIN. ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

TA:  you owe me roughly 200 favor2, a formal wriiten apology and a whole 2hiitload of other 2tuff ii cant thiink of at the moment but fiine. 2ure ii gue22

 

She doesn’t bring it up again and neither do you, you continue to feel like a pulverized and totally worthless sack of muscle beast excrement but you try and haul yourself out of the new low you’ve fallen to. Gamzee helps, he’s surprisingly good at being a moirail when you really need him and with his long, rambling sessions on the horn pile and the metric fuck ton of books and movies you bury yourself in you mostly get over the fact that Sollux has pretty much told you she did not and will not ever feel anything for you. She could get drunk and let you ravage her by accident but that’s cool because that’s all it is. There’d be no tears and messy feelings from _her_ end because you’re her bestfriend. You’re just her bestfriend.

 

Okay that’s a lie, you don’t mostly get over it. Barely, kind of, somewhat you do. She’s stabbed you through the chest but rather than try to yank the blade out, you’re letting your body assimilate it in the hopes that healing around it and growing your skin over it would help you reduce it to just another dull ache.

 

On the twelth perigrees eve after her 10th wriggling day, she’s the one who ventures out of the city and to the suburbs to visit you. This time you strictly keep yourself sober and she does too much to your surprise. You chalk it up to her thinking she knows you well enough that you’d “freak out” again if you two get drunk and something happens. Which is considerate of her because you _would_ “freak out” and you want to spare what little pride you have left thank you very much.

 

Everyone else is busy celebrating with their respective Lusi and quadrant mates so the two of you spend twelth perigrees alone. Well, crabdad is there but he’s getting old and he spends most of his time sleeping around the hive. He stays awake long enough to eat with you then he disappears off to the basement to sleep again. A visit in your hive is not a visit unless you’ve forced your guest to watch at least one of your favorite cinematic masterpieces with you especially if the visitor in question is Sollux. Just because now you would shoot yourself in the bulge for a chance to be her matesprit doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped finding it fun to torment her when you can. You end up making her watch several movies, after which she puts her foot down and has the audacity to lock you out of your own respite block, the little shit.

 

You end up breaking your lock and when you lunge at her, she holds your husktop hostage (the one she herself gave you) and you strife her for it. You end up pinning her to the floor and pinching her cheeks until she gives her surrender and she smacks you on the arm when you let her up, cringing and rubbing her back. She gripes about it for hours until you’ve transcended annoyance and devolve to concern. As soon as you bust out your worried frown at her though, she stops, distracting you instead by announcing loudly that it was time to open presents.

 

She gets you 50 shades of Pale. You think she got you the novel to be funny but you actually secretly have been meaning to buy it for a while now. You act all pissy when you unwrap it however and you watch Sollux’s snagglefanged grin fall like a ton of concrete blocks when she unwraps your present.

 

You’ve ran out of ideas and opted to turn to Kanaya for help. She offered to make Sollux clothes and its kind of both a joke against you and her when she opens up the poorly wrapped box you hand her and pulls out a tiny, ruffled black skirt.

 

Sollux blank faces at it and drops it back in the box. “Okay, fine, you win. I hate you. I’ll get you a shittier present next sweep.”

 

“You do that and I’ll get Kanaya to make you lacy underthings.”

 

Sollux reels back and makes a face like a wriggler who drank sour muscle beast milk. “The last time I checked you weren’t actually supposed to be a heartless monster.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

You watch tv before retiring for the day and mumble to each other your mutual worry about Feferi as the news announces her upcoming confrontation with The Condesce for the crown. You have nothing against the Condesce as a ruler, or you would, she’s actually pretty boss at what she does BUT she would kill you on sight if she ever saw you and though you yourself would call your life shitty, you’d actually like to keep it til adulthood so yeah, you’re rooting for Feferi.

 

Your hive is bigger than Sollux’s and so she gets to sleep in a guest respite block that used to be a block you shared with crabdad when you were little and you were too small to fit properly and hence would likely drown if you were left in a recuperacoon. Just before you go your separate ways to sleep, Sollux disappears briefly and when she comes back, you nearly choke on the grubcake you were nibbling on. She’s traded her tights and shorts (its almost endearing how she never grew out of them) for the skirt and you blatantly gawp at her mile long legs before you sink a fang viciously into the inside of your cheek. Your eyes water and you wince which makes you look like you’re grimacing at being one-upped.

 

“You know what, I think I actually like this.” Sollux declares daintily grabbing at some ruffles with her finger tips, her little fingers pointed out.

 

Yeah, so do you.

 

“Put your knobby knees away before you poke my eye out.”

 

“No, fuck you, I do what I want.”

 

You blame it on a manic moodswing maybe, let her be weird, whatever. Actually no, you take that back, you really really do not need her in a fucking skirt while she’s here in your hive, where you can actually physically reach out and touch her. She refuses to take the damn thing off though, which would be a good thing if only she would slip her tights and shorts back on under it or something. In the end you give up and shut yourself up in your room, focusing instead on Feferi and the rapidly approaching, literal fight of her life to distract yourself from thoughts of bare legs and a tiny skirt.

 

It kind of works, you think about nothing as you lie in your recuperacoon, waiting to fall asleep but then you hear the door across the hall creak open and you’re smacked in the face by the fact that there is a troll you have strictly non-platonic feelings for, staying in your hive and she’s now possibly waltzing around the hive in a miniskirt. You hear Sollux’s footsteps pad down the hall and descend down the stairs and you think really hard on whether you should go out and check on her or not for a bit before predictably hauling yourself out of the sopor, towelling off, changing into a clean pair of pants and a sleeveless shirt before going down to find her.

 

When you do, she’s curled up on the pile she made earlier out of blankets and pillows so she could sleep and not watch your movies. You’d thwarted her plans by turning the volume up ridiculously loud. She is still wearing the skirt sadly and you dutifully keep your eyes above her neck as you approach her.

 

“When someone gives you their guest respiteblock you sleep in it dumbass.” You say as you sink down on the opposite side of the pile.

 

“Can’t sleep.”

 

“Oh. Did you try counting woolbeasts?”

 

You know something’s wrong and you know that she knows you know, you’re just waiting for her to throw you a bone so you can prod at her walls and try to fix whatever it is that’s bothering her from the other side.

 

“Nah. They remind me of Aradia.”

 

There’s your bone. Fuck, why does it have to be that one? She hasn’t talked about Aradia in sweeps, why is she…?

 

“She wanted to run away off to somewhere remote, you know, have an adventure and all that shit. Because she was into that. She wanted to go for that around now, because in about 5 sweeps she thinks her number’ll be up.”

 

Oh. You wrinkle your nose, that may or may not be true, probably not though, you don’t know how long _you_ are supposed to live for all you know you could end up outliving Feferi but knowing your luck, you’d probably have roughly the same lifespan as rustbloods, or less. That said, if Aradia was supposed to die in five sweeps, you should have been dead 5 ago. You don’t mention that to Sollux.

 

“Life works out really weird though and instead of running off into the sunset with her, what I get is a fried matesprit courtesy of my own ocular beams 2 sweeps before the planned date and on the day of, here I am, in your hive.”

 

Your eyebrows furrow at that and you turn her words over and over in your head as you carefully try to construct a response. Sollux floats herself over and stops you before you could by dropping herself stomach first across your lap.

 

“My back still hurts you ass!” she whines, kicking her legs like a petulant child.

 

You raise an eyebrow but your hand settles itself on the small of her back anyway. “Okay, so what the fuck do you want me to do about it?”

 

“Give me a back rub, duh? Do you have a thinkpan under those pathetic nubs mounted on your head?”

 

You open your mouth to retort and red and blue sparks crackle across your fingers.

 

“Ow! Fuck! Argh-alright fine!” you huff before putting both hands tentatively on her back and slowly digging your thumb and your knuckles into any tense muscles you could find. It’s a bit difficult since Sollux barely had any muscle, mostly skin and bone but the small muffled groan that gets lost in the pile tells you that you’re doing okay. You watch the back of Sollux’s head as you work, puzzling over her words. She spoke in a pretty neutral tone so you honestly couldn’t even begin to figure out if she meant something good or bad by what she said.

 

“Mmmf!”

 

You jerk your hands away like you’ve been burned and you apologize. Did you dig your fingers too hard?

 

“Yeah, don’t touch that part, because that really frikkin hurt.”

 

You blink at Sollux’s back and pay special attention to where your fingers last were. They were working at the curve connecting the small of her back to the middle and you regard it thoughtfully for a bit before putting your hands on either side of Sollux’s waist like you’re going to turn her over. Sollux looks over her shoulder at you curiously. “What are you doing?”

 

“Turn over” you tell her. She obeys without a word and you hear her spine let out a few loud pops even before she could turn a halfway. You grab her hip and hold her lower half in place as she continues to turn and smirk a little at the small gasp she makes when you hear a series of ‘crack’s trail down her back. She does it to her other side without your help and she groans when more cracks prick the air. She stretches languidly. “Ow that hurts so good.”

 

You just stare at her, thinking of how to broach the topic of Aradia once more. Sollux stares back until her expression melts into a soft, slightly guarded one. Her brow furrows the slightest bit and her lips twitch and then she’s sitting up in your lap. You move away as much as you can considering she’s in your personal space and you’re in hers but she just follows you, resting one hand next to your hip and bracing herself on it, leaning forward til her nose is almost touching yours. Your blood pusher beats madly in your chest and you take a slightly shaky breath.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Sollux’s mismatched eyes flick down to your lips when you speak and they snap back to your eyes after. She catches her bottom lip between her fangs.

 

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m not drunk.”

 

“Yeah neither am I…so maybe you should move away…or something.”

 

“Yeah.” Sollux practically breathes the word onto your lips and how the? When did she inch closer and why aren’t you moving away? Wait, that’s a stupid question. Why is _she_ still getting closer?

 

“Or maybe not.” She says and then she’s kissing you, completely sober and out of her own free will. You barely kiss back before you pull away with a small smack, more than half convinced you’re dreaming.  But you feel Sollux’s fingers grasp your wrist and you hesitantly believe that you’re not.

 

“What-…?” you begin. Sollux shushes you and seals her mouth right back over yours. She shifts on your lap and the next thing you know, you’re being pushed back to lie against the pile with Sollux draped over your front, mouth fastened to yours and hands slowly skimming up your arms, to your shoulders and settling against either side of your face.

 

“Umm,” You try again and Sollux nips at your lips, feather light so as not to poke holes through your mouth. “I said shh.” You blink up at her. “But-”

 

She blocks your words with her tongue, pressing down on you more. Her bare legs are warm against yours, even through the fabric of your pants and when her hands slide up to card through your hair and clamp around your horns, you blank out for a second and you gasp, giving her more access to your mouth. You should…You should stop, talk because…because…but she’s not drunk and neither are you and oh god what are you doing? What is this? You have so much to lose, so much left for her to tear down and burn up without meaning to and you have to know if-

 

Sollux squeezes at the base of your horns and trails kisses wetly down your chin and along your throat and you stop thinking. It’s pathetic how you’re so powerless against her even when you’re supposedly fully in control of yourself. That thing about her stealing a part of you and owning it? Maybe it’s a little less figurative than you thought.

 

The more she touches you and the more you kiss her, the less you feel like you’re going to stop this and before you know it her shirt is off and your hands almost rip her bra right the fuck off her immediately after its gone. Then there’s all that skin bared to you and you couldn’t stop touching with your fingertips, your palms and your lips. You were drunk beyond reason the first time you did this and you feel extremely clumsy with your tongue and your teeth. You’re pretty sure you leave more than a few nicks and punctures across Sollux’s chest and shoulders but she makes no move to stop you or even discourage you, instead pushing you further by tangling her fingers in your hair and pressing you closer. You put all the care you can into the action when you slide your tongue out to suck a nipple into your mouth. You use only your tongue and lips as much as you can and Sollux arches her back with a small, quiet moan.

 

Her hands leave your hair and make a hasty trail down your chest to your stomach. She tries to go lower but finds herself blocked by her own hips. She makes a frustrated little noise that you somehow manage to find more endearing than hot and she settles for the next best thing. You gasp as Sollux starts slowly rolling her hips against yours and your hands find her hips as hers settle on your shoulders. You give her nipple a tentative suck and she grinds down harder on your lap, neck tilting back. You lick a trail starting from the valley of her petite breasts, through her collarbones and as high up her throat as you can reach, which isn’t much. You barely even reach the base of her neck and you might have heard her chuckle as she pushes you back down on the pile so you can roll over and hover on top of her, where you can have more access to everything.

 

Sollux parts her legs and you settle between them immediately. Her skirt is so ridiculously short that it bunches up and settles almost clear above her hips without either of you having to adjust it with your hands and when you settle your hips snugly against hers again you shudder because with the skirt almost completely out of the way, -oh fuck you can feel Sollux’s nook, hot and just the slightest bit damp, rubbing maddeningly against your bone bulge through the fabric of your pants. Almost too soon, Sollux decides that what you're doing isn't enough for her even though it's almost too much for you and she grabs hold of your shirt, slipping it off you clumsily before pushing your pants down your hips. You tug them off the rest of the way, chest shaking with every breath you take.

 

Sollux lifts her hips and just as her fingertips duck under the skirt, she looks up at you, contemplative. Whatever it is she's thinking about, it only takes her a second to come to a decision and she reaches for your hands, guiding them where hers originally intended to go. You hear your pulse thundering in your own ears as your fingers hook into the waistband of her panties and pull.

 

Something slick and pliable brushes against your hand and you fail to rein in a shudder when you realize that Sollux's bulge is already halfway extended. You get rid of her panties as quick as you can, suddenly burning with lewd curiosity. Sollux flinches when you hike the skirt up even higher til it's almost wrapped around her waist, an apology flies up to your throat instinctively but it dies in your mouth when your fingers brush against the half extended bulge peeking out from under her bone sheath and it slides out further, encouraged by the fleeting touch. When it does, the very tip of a second bulge wriggles out and you stare at it with your lips parted.

 

 

Oh god. Your thinkpan backtracks through all the stupid,subtle-as-Equius-breaking-a-glass-in-his-STRONG-fists jabs about her mutant double bulges and you don't know if you should feel smug or embarrassed that you’ve been right all along.

 

"It's rude to stare you know. Especially when someone is almost fucking naked under you and waiting for you to get on with the fucking program."

 

Your eyes flicker up to see Sollux looking at you with a raised eyebrow. One corner of her lip is curled up in a smirk but her face is flushed a faint yellow and there's the telltale squinting of one eye that over the sweeps you've come to recognize as a sign that she's uncomfortable.

 

"Well excuse me for staring the freakishness I knew always existed, right in the face."

 

A decidedly unattractive snort puffs out of Sollux's mouth and she smacks you in the arm. "Really KK? Fucking Really? That's what you say when I'm seriously here about to pail you? Be more offensive why don't you? Quick say something about how I'm hiding an extra set of teats on my back or something while my bulges completely retract out of disgust...or you know, mere disinterest because here I am waiting and willing and you're barely even out."

 

Sollux says and her sentence gets punctuated by a startled yelp from you because right as she finishes speaking she reaches down and tugs at the very tip of your swollen bulge, gently forcing it a bit more from beneath the protective bone mound.

 

"Heh, oh wait, since you're right in assuming i have two maybe i'm right in assuming yours would be so freakishly tiny." she says, flashing the widest shit-eating grin at you while reaching up to pat you on the head condescendingly.

 

You blush furiously at that and you thrust your hips against hers in retaliation. The tip of your bulge catches against hers and you both gasp as yours slide out a good few inches to tangle with hers.

 

Warm, soft, wet and so goddamn good is how it feels and your hips move out of their own accord, determined to keep magnifying that feeling. Sollux's hands find your shoulders and it doesn't take you more than a few minutes to be fully unsheathed and pulsing in the grip of Sollux's mostly extended twin bulges. Lengthwise they were about as long as yours already but there's still more of both sliding out inch by slow inch to curl around yours. What you lack in length though, you make up for in girth. Your bulge is as wide as both of hers pushed together, maybe even more and you think about picking up your stupid banter earlier but you don't. Because before you lose your nerve, you'd actually want to pail the troll you've been embarrassingly, madly enamoured with since you were old enough to even have the slightest idea of what enamoured is.  

 

"KK." Sollux groans and you look up to see her face twisted in pleasure, bottom lip trapped under long fangs. She doesn't say anything, merely reaches for one of your hands and guides it down between her legs, under where your bulges are tangled together. A small, silent gasp subtly brushes the air around your ears when your fingertips brush against Sollux's nook and your bulge tightens its grip around hers. Her fingers squeeze your hand and you take it as your silent cue to slip yours inside her nook. Sollux exhales noisily, back arching and you moan when her bulges writhe around yours.

 

You slide your fingers in and out of her for the next little while, relishing every twitch, every gasp and every soft moan she makes. Meanwhile your own nook stays neglected, getting hotter and wetter the more you watch her slowly lose herself because of what you're doing to her. When your fingers find an especially sensitive spot, Sollux keens, hands flying up to grasp at the top half of her longer horns, holding on to them tightly. You bend down before your thinkpan can even think about ordering your body to do it because she looks so alluring and beautiful you just _have_ to kiss her.

 

You pause just before your lips touch hers however because you remember that you still had no clue what this is and you're scared you can potentially fuck things up so bad and you would pull away if you aren't already so far gone and...and, and then Sollux leans up and kisses you and you're back to not caring again for however long this little simulated eternity lasts.

 

You feel Sollux's hands frame your face and she uses them to tug you closer, an action that makes you pretty much plaster yourself to her. The base of her bulges brush against your nook and you shiver. You take your fingers out of her and without even stopping to think about it, slide them into your own nook, shuddering hard a second later as you feel her slickness mix with yours. You envision dull yellow and bright mutant red blending together inside your nook when you close your eyes and a whine escapes your throat.

 

You open them a second later when you feel Sollux tug at your wrist. You're about to complain but she silences you by replacing your fingers with hers. Your eyes find her face and her red-blue eyes are filled with so much heated want it makes your skin burn impossibly hotter, every fiber of your itching to have her, however you can, in the next split second or sooner, because any later than that and you really might just explode.

 

Almost as if she can read your thoughts, Sollux reaches down with her other hand and gently untangles your bulges. You whine at the loss of warmth and it trails off into a high pitched keen when her fingers guide your bulge to her nook, where it wriggles in hastily. Sollux shudders almost violently and you're pretty sure you do too as your hips react instinctively to the incredibly slick, tight heat around your bulge. Sollux withdraws her fingers from your nook to clutch at your arms, nails digging in to the solid bump of your biceps. You mourn the loss for a split second then Sollux wraps her legs around your waist, like you've fantasized so many times before, tugging you closer and allowing you to roll your hips against hers easier, faster.

 

"Ahhhh, KK....Karkat."

 

Hearing her say your name makes something break inside you, you feel it in your chest and you hate yourself so fucking much for it, fight yourself not to but still...the backs of your eyes prickle and you feel your chest twist and you bend down to hide your face in her hair as the words tumble out of your mouth.

 

"I kind of love you. a lot."

 

Sollux stills, and everything goes quiet save for the sound of her still slightly uneven breaths and you squeeze your eyes shut, trying hard not to crumble from the inside out.

 

"I'm sorry." You choke out and your voice comes out more hoarse and more broken than you intended and you fucking loathe yourself for being so weak but realize in hindsight that this is finally the bottom of the jagged mountain you fell from the moment you realized you wanted Sollux as something more than a friend and you were always headed for the ugly crash landing you're in now anyway so why not let it be as gruesome and painful as possible?

 

There's a long pause and your eyes swell with pink tears, then there's a slender hand sliding through your hair and the sharp crackle of psionics sliding down between your bodies. You think for a second that Sollux is about to forcibly lift you off of her and gasp loudly when you feel something long and thin slide inside your nook. The Psionic crackle ends just outside the outer lips of your nook and then Sollux is sitting up and you hesitantly pull her to your lap, kneeling under her as she re wraps her legs around your waist.

 

"Yeah...I know..."

 

You can't read her tone and it hurts not to know because you feel so much, too much, its pathetic and ridiculous. Your face is level with her chest and you hide your tears in the dip just above the middle of her breasts as she starts grinding her hips slowly down against yours.

 

"I'm sorry." you murmur against her skin.

 

Sollux just holds you tighter. Her bulge slides and curls inside your nook til you feel so full you can't stand it and you don't say anything else as you cry and let her fuck you, drawing abstract patterns against her skin with your lips, using your tears as ink. One of Sollux's bulges is left to writhe against her stomach helplessly and you wrap it loosely in your fist, stroking to the rythm of her hips.

 

You keep going like that indefinitely, the pleasure and the lust holding the breaking of your blood-pusher at bay. When Sollux tenses against you and swears some garbled statement ending with a barely understandable gasp of "bucket" you're pinned beneath her, eyes squeezed tightly shut and holding onto her hips so tight you're half certain you'd leave bruises.

 

The two of you sully the pile red and yellow and you collapse in the mess with a boneless Sollux draped over you placidly. You get caught between equally desperate urges to say something and to keep quiet but in the end you settle for the latter, lying down to accept your fate and wait for the end of your friendship.

 

You think that but it sitll hurts like one of Sollux's optic blasts straight through your chest when she says nothing too and rolls away from you to fall asleep with her back to you.

 

You wake up the next evening alone, which you expected but, again, somebody can claim to accept bitter ends all they want but you think…no, you _know_ that it really won’t make it hurt even the littlest bit when it actually happens. You sit up in the pile and you spare several minutes to wonder if Sollux really just packed up and left while you were still asleep. You spare several more to internally bleed over it when you conclude that she most probably did and then all your bitter thoughts float out of your mouth in the form of a heavy sigh and you pick yourself up to clean the mess the two of you left behind.

 

It takes you about an hour to get the stains out of the floor. You dumped the crusty, stained sheets and pillows in the pile in your cloth ablution machine before you went to clean the floor and afterwards, when you went to check on them, you merely make a face, pour more powdered-filth abolisher into the machine and restart it, estimating in your head that you should probably wash them two more times before they're deemed decent for use again.

 

You sit there on the floor with your back to the machine, wondering if Sollux will ever speak to you again, or if you'll get the nerve to speak to her again and you smirk bitterly to yourself as you dig your knuckles into your eyelids so hard your eyes water. Happy twelth perigrees to you, you got a pity fuck from the troll you wanted possibly more than you'd ever wanted anything in your life right before you lost her for good.

 

You may or may not have had a good, long cry huddled up next to the cloth ablution machine.

 

Eventually you muster the will to get up and go about your daily routine like a competent troll because god fucking dammit, the moons are not going to fall out of their orbits and crash into Alternia because Sollux doesn't feel anyting back for you grow the fuck up! You can go spend the next day in a pile with Gamzee but for now you have to suck it up and get some protein and nutrients down your chute. So you do, you redress, heat up some of the leftovers yesterday and you sit on your counter, next to the thermal hub, grimacing as you eat what you're certain would be your meal for the next few weeks or so. Fuck you for making so much knowing Sollux's ungrateful ass would barely eat any because she's a fucking wingbeast who _needs_ someobody to spoon food into her lisping maw and she's picky and stubborn and there's a reason she's thin as a stick

 

and you should stop thinking about her now before you start crying into your grubghetti.

 

You wash everything that's piled up in your sink after you eat and then you retire to your living room and watch movies until the moon is high up in the sky. A few hours before dawn you remember that you forgot to wish Gamzee, Terezi and Kanaya a happy twelth perigrees so you get your ass up to your respite block to sign into trollian and do just that. If they forgive you for choosing to ruin your life over being a decent friend and greeting them on the day of, you could probably rant at them about it until you feel better.

 

You sigh as you grab your computer chair and turn it around to sit.

 

You nearly lose your shit and let out a very undignified squawk when a sleeping Sollux almost falls out of your chair. She jolts awake, getting herself tangled further in the blanket she's thrown on over herself and tries to curse under a sleepy grumble as she rights herself back on the chair and sleep squints at you.

 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you ask, hand coming up to clutch at your chest.

 

"The pile was fucking gross, so I went to sleep somewhere else. Besides, you grind your fangs in your sleep, its weird and it was giving me a headache, I had to go sleep somewhere else." Sollux grumbles, curling into herself as much as possible. The action would probably make anyone else look childish and small, cute. It simply looks strange on her, tall as she is. Yet somehow, it's just as endearing to you if not more. Oh fuckdammit, what do you mean "somehow" of fucking _course_ its endearing to you.

 

You open your mouth to ask her why she didn't choose to sleep in your recuperacoon like a sensible troll but you stop before you can, mouth hanging open as you see a familiar gray symbol peeking out from under the blanket Sollux is clutching to herself.

 

"Is that my shirt?" you ask, whilst simultaneously thinking to yourself. _holy shit it is_. You recognize your symbol embroidered on the upper left chest area with silver thread and the zipper down the middle which leads up to a wide hood sewn into the back. Kanaya made it for you and you rarely wear it but you always keep it near the front of your closet in case you get cold, which probably due in part to your mutant blood color, happens more often than one would assume considering your bulk.

 

Sollux's neck sinks down into the chaotic nest of blanket she's trapped herself in almost shyly til its up to her chin and shrugs.

 

"Yeah. I couldn't find mine and it was cold so, yeah."

 

You let that sink in for a moment and when it does, the only thing that comes out of your mouth is a soft "Oh." You swallow against the sudden tightness in your throat.

 

"We need to talk."

 

Sollux closes her eyes and sinks further into the blankets til they're covering half of her face. "Yeah I suppose we should." she says, not sounding enthusiastic at all about it. You stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to say despite pushing the talk in the firstplace and silence suffocates you both until Sollux's eyes light up red and blue beneath her eyelids and your closet door opens, a mass of blankets, pillows and clothes floating out to settle themselves into a pile on the floor. Sollux floats herself over to settle on top of it with her back to you and you stand there stupidly for a few minutes until she turns her head halfway and says. "Are you coming or not?"

 

Hesitantly, you plop yourself down next to her on the pile and....just sit there.

 

This is so awkward you could die.

 

Sollux cracks first, she lets out a frustrated little sigh and curls up again like she did on the chair. "Say something already!" she says, grabbing at the blanket around her shoulders and yanking it tight around her as if it would shield her from the feelings jam that took sweeps in the making and you gather your nerve with a deep breath.

 

"I've already said everything I have to say." You say tersely, fighting down a blush as you recall your embarassing confession. "It's your turn asswipe."

 

A faint tinge of yellow blooms across Sollux's cheeks as well and you take comfort in the fact that she's just as uncomfortable as you are, even if that could mean something you shouldn't be happy about at all. But hey, she's blushing not turning pale, ashen gray so you guess that's good.

 

Sollux stays silent for so long you feel like you were an inch away from going insane and taking off screaming down the halls of your hive when she finally speaks.

 

"I thought about it a lot. I think at this point, Aradia would kick my ass ten times to next sweep to finally get up and move on..."

 

You stare at her with your bloodpusher in your throat, not daring to breathe as you waited for more.

 

"and umm...I think, I have a thing for chubby red bloods."

 

The statement didn't seem to even orbit the same literary system as her first one and somewhere in the world, the great geniuses of romance and comedy wince as this supposedly romantic feelings jam falls flat on its face right as it reaches its high point but you don't give a fuck because she's Sollux, you've known her most of your life and you understand what she means. Or you desperately hope you do.

 

"Okay," you say slowly. "And what are you prepared to do with that shocking revelation?"

 

Sollux doesn't reply, instead her eyes crackled blue-red and suddenly you're being lifted in the air and repositioned on the pile. Sollux levitates herself too before quickly dropping herself on you. Her head lands on your upper stomach and she buries her face in it, grumbling something you couldn't quite make out into the fabric of your shirt.

 

"What?" you ask

 

Sollux just grumbles into your shirt again. You start to get a bit frustrated because your bloodpusher is still kind of hanging on the line here so you reach down and dig your fingers hard into the base of her horns. Sollux yelps and lifts herself up to smack you in the face.

 

" _What_ are we doucheprincess? I'd like to get an answer before I bash my thinkpan against the nearest wall."

 

Sollux's eyebrows furrow and a small frown sneaks unto her face. She worries at her bottom lip with her fangs and winces when she cuts it. You reach down and wipe off the blood that wells up on her lip with your thumb, so gently and tender it would make you want to wince if you aren't so busy wanting so much to hug her and kiss her.

 

"I don't know." Sollux says

 

Your blood pusher sinks before Sollux turns over on top of you so that she was lying on her side on your torso. She grabs your arms one at a time and she wraps them around herself, tucking her legs up so that she's half curled on top of you.

 

"You're probably the closest thing I have to a moirail. And when you can't care for me aggressively enough to get me out of a slump, you're the only one who can piss me off enough to make me forget before acting like a total douchebag in your weird, sweet way and making me feel almost flushed for you. I get migraines just thinking about it." Sollux explains, head dutifully turned away from you so you wouldn't be able to get a glimpse of her expression.

 

"...Oh." You say quietly.

 

There's a short pause and then Sollux tugs your arms tighter around her.

 

"Why don't we just settle this with 'us' being nothing but if you don't mind, _you_ can be mine and _I_...could be...yours?" she asks. "Argh, I would keyboard smash right now if I could, just answer me before I choke from all of this flushed fuzzy, sentimental crap." 

 

You think about that, silent as your bloodpusher threatens to burst out of your chest and start prancing around the block, shrieking the entire time.

 

Finally, you wrap your arms even tighter around her and you murmur, so soft it's almost a whisper,

 

"Yours."

 

Sollux shifts in your arms to get up and crawl up to your chest where she settles face down, sneaking her arms under you to give you a hug. She lifts her head for a second to murmur something back and you smile as her face thumps back on your chest. Her voice echoes in your head and you wish you would never forget how it sounded as it uttered

 

" _Yours"_

You stay up late into the afternoon having impromptu feelings jams that get less awkward the longer they went on, most of them circled warily around Aradia and you both stopped when you felt like you were breeching topics neither of you really want to talk about and you felt like you were starting to pale cheat on Gamzee. The following evening Sollux is scheduled to leave and you wake up during the ungodly hours of sunset curled up with her on the couch where you decided to sleep because apparently the reason Sollux didn't choose to steal you recuperacoon that first morning was because she's too tall to fit in it.

 

The two of you eat twelth perigreees left overs, as expected Sollux barely eats any and you have a minor tussle when you"care aggressively" again and try to force a bit more food down her chute. You end up getting grub-sagna all over her shirt and instead of digging into her already packed bags for a new one, she just takes it off, cleans up and walks around the hive mostly topless. Boldly, you touch her more often than you used to dare, wrapping an arm around her waist as you walk from one block to another, keeping a hand loosely wrapped around her fingers, her forearm or her shoulder while you sit on the couch and watch another movie, holding her hand in the middle of an argument and lacing your fingers together just because you can and so you can bash her on the head with your joined hands when she trash talks Troll Spielberg in the middle of Titanic for the millionth time.

 

You kiss her when Troll Leonardo DiCaprio kisses Troll Kate Winslet in the afterlife and you don't shed a tear like you usually do as the music swells in the background and the applause thunders because of their reunion. Instead, you focus on the way Sollux's lips feel against yours and you thank whichever deity decided to finally give you a break a thousand times over in your head when Sollux wraps her arms around you and crawls into your lap for a long, flushed, sappy make out sessions.

 

She pulls on your shirt again just before she leaves and as she floats down the stairs with her bags floating behind her, wrapped in crackling bubbles of psionic energy, she stuffs her hands in the pockets sown on the front and asks. "Can I keep this?"

 

Her grubsagna stained shirt is still waiting in your dirty clothes hamper to be washed so you figure fair is fair and you say yes.

 

She floats down without a word and you stare at each other before you reach up and tug her closer. She hovers above the ground while you kiss her goodbye for as long as you can get away with it and even longer after that.

 

You miss her after she's gone but the longing dies down a bit when she video calls you a few hours before sunrise and keeps you up almost until sunset.

 

Life more or less reverts back to normal, except now you lose more sleep over videocalls but you're happy about it so who gives a shit? She also calls you more often and you call her whenever your hive feels too empty without her there. And every morning before you give in to the urge to sleep, before you sign off, you say "Yours." It varies every day, sometimes its snarky and playful, sometimes you say it after getting off to the sight and sound of each other, thinking hard about the memory of the other's touch and sometimes you murmur it so softly you feel the air between you, stretched out across all that distance turn positively _red_ with feeling. It's a bit messy and undefinable and you love it so much sometimes you feel like you could explode from it all.

 

Feferi wins the crown and Sollux videocalls you, visibly ecstatic and doesn't even bother to hide it. You don't either because now the two of you can stop delicately dancing around the subject of what would happen to you somewhere down the road when you're forced to give your genetic material to the drones.

 

A few days later, she demands that you have your house reconstructed and when you ask her why, she says she needs more room for her beehives and all her grubstations and shit. You just stare at her through the screen, baffled before squeaking out an "are you serious?"

 

"My hive is boring without you. Besides, aren't you always threatening to come all the way up here to shove food down my chute when you think I don't eat enough?"

 

You fight down a smile valiantly and you lose.

 

"Hey if you want to go through the torture of living with me, be my guest dipshit." you say.

 

Sollux flips you off but you see her cheek twitch as a corner of her mouth curl upwards. "Kay. You still can't have your shirt back by the way."

 

You roll your eyes at her. "You're an expert hoarder who lives in your own garbage why would I expect it back? Besides, I already told you, It's yours fuckwit."

 

Sollux unabashedly smiles at you. "Yours."

 

Your smile outshine hers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg what saps
> 
> anyway, that concludes the first ever work that i know of containing fem!sollux and Karkat. If anyone was wondering the Karkat I envisioned in this story is also drawn in the same style fem!Sollux was and I also took liberties with the hoodie (which karkat referred to as shirt since i doubt trolls would have proper names for clothes) Sollux steals, its the same one from here:
> 
>  
> 
> [her awesome wip visual novel, YOU ARE KARKAT VANTAS](http://reasonartforever.tumblr.com/post/36421548372/youarekarkatvantas-the-first-sprite-of-many#notes)
> 
>  
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS~


End file.
